45 ROFL Funny Marriage Quotes

Funny Marriage Quotes

These incredibly funny marriage quotes make the best messages and advice for newlyweds and long time married couples alike. Use them for a card, speech, game or social media caption.

Don’t forget to send a follow up anniversary message with these happy anniversary quotes.

Before you read through these quotes though, take a look at the below video and tell me this isn’t so true about any relationship! Haha.

Funny Marriage Quotes and Advice

We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.

“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.” – Henry Youngman

I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.

“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” – Wendy Liebman

One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’

“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’” – Michelle Obama

You may also like: These wedding quotes: https://brightdrops.com/wedding-quotes

You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.

“You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” – Rey Woodma

Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep.

“Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep.” – Chris Hemsworth

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.” – Billy Connolly

Related: Funny Love Quotes for Couples

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest perhaps they’re too old to do it.

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft

Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.

“Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” – Ogden Nash

My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.

“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.” – Lee Judge

If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.

“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” – Miles Davis

Love is sharing your popcorn.

“Love is sharing your popcorn.” – Charles Schultz

Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller

You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!

“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!” – Bill Maher

In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” – Rita Rudner

My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.

“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” – Henry Youngman

Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell

The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’” – Unknown

Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.

“Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.” – Unknown

Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

“Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.” – Joginder Singh

In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision–maker.

“In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision–maker.” – Woody Allen

My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty–seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.

“My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty–seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” – Benjamin Franklin

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” – Lily Tomlin

After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.

“After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.” – Barack Obama

No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” – Homer Simpson

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” – Tim Allen

People say, ‘Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.’ I think it’s hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.

“People say, ‘Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.’ I think it’s hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.” – Tom Hanks

Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.

“Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.” – Donatella in Letters to Juliet

She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.

“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.” – St Elmo’s Fire

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.

“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” – Molly McGee

Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.

“Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.” – Chip Gaines

In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf.

“In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf.” – Ruth Bader Ginsberg

She’s your lobster. Come on, you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.

“She’s your lobster. Come on, you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.” – Phoebe Buffay, Friends

What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.

“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” – Cindy Garner

Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?

“Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?” – Janet Periat

A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.

“A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.” – Frank Sinatra

A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.

“A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.” – Anonymous

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.

“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” – Kathy Mohnke

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” – Henry Youngman

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” – Harry Burns

Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X–Rays, but you know it’s there.

“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X–Rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns

Love is the same as life, except you feel sexier.

“Love is the same as life, except you feel sexier.” – Judith Viorst

I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.

“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” – Cameron Esposito

Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass.

“Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass.” – Mac MacGuff in Juno

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.” – Winston Churchill

My husband and I have never considered divorce…murder sometimes, but never divorce.

“My husband and I have never considered divorce…murder sometimes, but never divorce.” – Dr. Joyce Brothers

More Good Love Quotes:

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  • These incredibly funny marriage quotes make the best messages and advice for newlyweds and long time married couples alike.

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