45 ROFL Funny Marriage Quotes

These incredibly funny marriage quotes make the best messages and advice for newlyweds and long time married couples alike. Use them for a card, speech, game or social media caption.

Don’t forget to send a follow up anniversary message with these happy anniversary quotes.

Funny Marriage Quotes and Advice

“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.” – Henry Youngman

“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” – Wendy Liebman

“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’” – Michelle Obama

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“You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” – Rey Woodma

“Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep.” – Chris Hemsworth

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.” – Billy Connolly

Related: Funny Love Quotes for Couples

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft

“Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” – Ogden Nash

“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.” – Lee Judge

“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” – Miles Davis

“Love is sharing your popcorn.” – Charles Schultz

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller

“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!” – Bill Maher

“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” – Rita Rudner

“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” – Henry Youngman

“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’” – Unknown

“Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.” – Unknown

“Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.” – Joginder Singh

“In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision–maker.” – Woody Allen

“My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty–seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” – Benjamin Franklin

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” – Lily Tomlin

“After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.” – Barack Obama

“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” – Homer Simpson

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” – Tim Allen

“People say, ‘Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.’ I think it’s hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.” – Tom Hanks

“Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.” – Donatella in Letters to Juliet

“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.” – St Elmo’s Fire

“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” – Molly McGee

“Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.” – Chip Gaines

“In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf.” – Ruth Bader Ginsberg

“She’s your lobster. Come on, you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.” – Phoebe Buffay, Friends

“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” – Cindy Garner

“Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?” – Janet Periat

“A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.” – Frank Sinatra

“A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.” – Anonymous

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” – Kathy Mohnke

“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” – Henry Youngman

“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” – Harry Burns

“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X–Rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns

“Love is the same as life, except you feel sexier.” – Judith Viorst

“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” – Cameron Esposito

“Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass.” – Mac MacGuff in Juno