Being a couple is equal parts fun, aggravating, and quirky. Check out these funny love quotes that all couples can relate to.
1. Will Ferrell Says Test Them With Slow Internet
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
Oh yeah, this brings out the worst in people. It’s like the road rage of computer use. If this person you might marry is unruffled by slow internet service, then they are a keeper! If they sigh audibly and show signs of general impatience, that’s ok, no worries there. However if they throw their monitor across the room….run!
2. Rita Rudner on Annoyance and Fun
“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
If you watch, you can always see couples tease and annoy each other. Couples are essential playmates. And playmates tease, taunt, and aggravate each other from time to time; it’s normal. Make sure it’s all in good fun and you don’t cross any boundaries with your mate.
3. Fran Lebowitz on Longevity
“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.” – Fran Lebowitz
Though humorous, this quote rings quite true. There is something to be said for couples who make it through the first couple of years together. That’s usually when things have gotten pretty real between them. They have traversed through the honeymoon and have a better chance of having a future together.
4. Chris Rock Keeps it Simple
“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock
Even though it seems women are extremely complicated, these things really are the essentials for keeping a woman happy. The food and water keeps her blood sugar stable so she is happier, and the compliments make her feel romanticized. Wine and dine her while telling her how wonderful you think she is. Score!
5. Billy Crystal Knows What’s Up
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal
Sex with women is often all tied up in their emotions and hearts. They prefer to have a reason and an occasion to be intimate. Now men just need a willing partner and a place to get it on. This simply highlights the general difference between men and women being from different planets.
6. Zsa Zsa Gabor Says Finish Him!
“A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
There is a piece of his heart that hasn’t been touched until he finds a woman to marry. When he meets her, he is undeniably finished. He falls in love like a fool. Unless of course he is finished because his wife sweeps in and takes charge of his life. What is Zsa Zsa getting at here, hmmm?
7. Freud is Confused By Women
“The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What… does a woman want?” – Freud
A woman wants whatever it is that she wants, whenever she wants it, and in whichever way she wants it. Until she changes her mind because then she wants something else. The trick is not to figure out what she wants, she’ll tell you, but that you stay on your toes and keep up with what she wants.
8. Bob Hope Says to Get Real
“People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.” – Bob Hope
Alright, it can be cute when your love throws kisses, and it’s completely appropriate when separated by a distance, but don’t just randomly kiss the tips of your fingers, wave your arm in the air and expect someone to actually feel your kiss. Make sure to plant a good wet one on them from time to time.
9. Tim Allen on Womanly Distraction
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” – Tim Allen
Being in love often makes us forget ourselves and our routines. No matter what a man is interested and focused on, when he is in love, it’s all up in the air! Are you a man that gets distracted with the love of a good person, or do you do the distracting?
10. Pauline Thomason on the Shock of Marriage
“Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” – Pauline Thomason
Love is truly blind to lead us into marriage where we have no idea what we’re getting into. Love is fun and magical but marriage is where life gets real. Love is what ignites our hearts as we fall in love, marriage takes work and dedication. It’s worth it if you both choose into the relationship.
11. Oscar Wilde is Wise About Women
“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” – Oscar Wilde
Women are much easier to love than to understand. If you are good at loving a woman, she won’t actually be that hard to understand. Just remember the following things: touch her, listen to her, compliment her, and talk to her. But if you put your foot in your mouth go back to the first three suggestions.
12. Tommy Dewar Says Marriage is Crazy
“Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.” – Tommy Dewar
If we look at it this way, marriage and institutions have the following things in common – the same roommates for years, being told what to do by someone with authority, and being tied to the same routine every day are all shared traits. Enjoy your stay!
13. Paul Valery is Silly Stupid
“Love is being stupid together.” – Paul Valery
Being stupid together is one side effect of being in love. If you’ve not engaged in a tickle fight or kitchen towel snapping game in a while, then we double dog dare you to do it today! Giggle over the dumb things, talk to each other in goofy voices and never stop having fun.
14. David Bissonette Asks, How’s Your Chemistry?
“I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.” – David Bissonette
Uh oh! If your wife looks at you like you are toxic waste then you need to figure out what you did wrong. If you did nothing wrong, then your wife needs some TLC. If that doesn’t work then we aren’t sure what will and we’ve got a great reference for a good divorce attorney should you need one.
15. Joan Crawford Feels the Burn
“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford
There are two different kinds of love for sure. One is not better or worse than the other, they just are. You either have that soft, comforting, slow kind of love, or you have the passionate, mind blowing kind of love. Regardless, love burns through your heart and you are better for it.
16. George Carlin Says No Mars and No Venus
“Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.” – George Carlin
Exactly. We both come from the same place and the same history. Men and women are part of the human race on Earth. It’s true we have some very significant differences in how we see the world, and how we operate in it. It’s kind of a mess when we’re together but we seem to make it work.
17. Joseph E. Morris Swoons with Love
“I love you and it’s getting worse.” – Joseph E. Morris
Love does get worse over time as it builds and strengthens. It start developing a history and all your vulnerability just gets worse as you realize more each day that you don’t ever want to live without your lover. Just go with it, succumb to love.
18. Jules Renard on Losing All Reason
“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” – Jules Renard
The heart swells and the brain stops working. Daydreaming, forgetfulness, fantasies, desire, and love in the heart take away all the brain’s power to reason. Sometimes it’s a good thing and sometimes maybe not. Either way, we are all fools in love, are we not?
19. Albert Einstein on How We Change, or Not
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
Women think when they get married that they will have a man that will be their Prince Charming in all ways. If he’s not so much now, he will grow into it, right? Men want women to stay as lively and flirty as they were in the beginning. She can do that with a job and 2 kids, right?
20. Lemony Snicket Sees the Big Picture
“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” – Lemony Snicket
Love makes us really dumb sometimes. We can’t think clearly and are easily distracted with the thoughts and attentions of another. We get nervous and trip over our words, make fools of ourselves sometimes, and get stupid happy. A mess it may be, but a beautiful one.
21. Ambrose Bierce Says Marriage Snaps You Out Of It
“Love; A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” – Ambrose Bierce
Ah, being in love. It’s a beautiful thing. Late nights, morning snuggles, time flying by, and being happy with everything. Enter marriage. There are now bills to pay, toilet seats to put down, fighting over closet space, dishes left on the counter, and so much more!
22. Jerry Seinfeld Knows the Work it Takes
“Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” – Jerry Seinfeld
Sometimes men take a long time to learn about women. By the time he has been married for 20-30 years, a husband should finally understand his wife and satisfy her needs. If your rate of growth is several years after her nagging about the same thing, then you need to step up your game.
23. Ralphie May Tells You to Choose Happy
“As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.” – Ralphie May
If you are right, that means she is wrong and that is not a happy place to be. Wounded pride in a woman is never a wonderful thing. If you can mumble and make her believe you agree that she is right, then your life will be ultimately better.
24. Coleridge on a Perfect Union
“The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.” – Coleridge
This could actually work. So if he is deaf and cannot hear her nagging, then he is at peace! If she is blind then she can’t see him doing all those things that would typically annoy her, and she is at peace! It’s a match made in heaven we think.
25. Henry Youngman Doesn’t Know the Secret
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henry Youngman
If there were one secret to a happy marriage, then somebody would probably hold a patent and be filthy rich. Henry indicates that there is no secret to a happy marriage, though we think the secret to a happy marriage changed on a case by case basis.
26. Phyllis Diller Advises to Trick His Eyes
“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller
Yes, a younger man will only be able to see the wrinkles more closely. Better yet, marry a man who is older than you so that he can’t see you age from day one. Or just marry someone who loves you no matter what you look like at any age.
27. Jimmy Durante Has a Talkative Wife
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” – Jimmy Durante
There have been studies that show how many more words per day a woman speaks than a man. She speaks thousands more words, thousands. Don’t worry; if she stops to breathe she will be fine. If she speaks more than you can handle, feed her something and catch yourself a break while she chews.
28. Jean illsley Clarke Says Enough is Enough
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you really have to do so much of it.” – Jean illsley Clarke
Sometimes loving our partners takes a little more work when their idiosyncrasies flare up. You love your partner but don’t always want to have to keep loving their dirty socks lying around, their dirty dishes in the sink, or their mess in the bathroom.
29. Natasha Leggero on Being Courteous
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” – Natasha Leggero
Don’t let your partner go with their hair extensions sticking out for everyone to see! On that note, don’t let them walk around with their shirt unbuttoned, their fly down, spinach in their teeth, or a big white pimple on their face. Love is wanting them to look as polished as they want to look.
30. George Burns Has a Backache
“Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns
You can’t see love but you can feel it. You can’t examine it but you can experience it. Like a backache it responds to the lightest touch or the worst position. It can be aggravating and tormenting to go through the pangs of love.
(Read this next: 75 Best Love Quotes of All-Time)