Sometimes we have to see the funny side of life in order to keep going. With so much humor in the world, we’ve collected some hilarious life quotes from a wide range of famous writers, celebrities and thinkers from over the last couple of centuries and beyond.
1. George Carlin on Planets and People
“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” – George Carlin
Carlin was well known for his non P.C approach to comedy and the way he used human error and the human condition as part of his routine. Here we have to consider the way we treat the planet as if it has infinite resources without considering the future of our race.
2. Albert Einstein on Tidying up Your Desk
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?” – Albert Einstein
Here is another great quote from a very clever man here. Einstein looked at the world and the way people perceive things very different from the average person. Indeed, a cluttered desk probably should hold connotations of somebody who is very busy as opposed to somebody who has a cluttered mind.
3. Ellen DeGeneres on Accepting Who You Are
“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen is famous for her quick wit and fantastic chat show. Here she’s putting out a blatant statement that tells us to accept ourselves, unless we’ve murdered a bunch of people. This is a fair statement and a reminder for us to abide by the law.
4. Cathy Guisewite on Making the Most of What You’re Given
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite
Life gives people lemons a lot of the time. This quote reminds us to let life’s obstacles pass us by and not to take anything to heart. It’s great when people can find the funny side of a bad situation in life and then share it with other people that are feeling low.
5. Winston S Churchill on Lies and Truths
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston S Churchill
This is a fantastic quote from a fantastic leader. We all know how serious ‘Chinese Whispers’ can be, and it’s so true that lies often spread like wildfire while the truth can become seriously hard to find. Let’s consider this before we tell our next white lie.
6. Jerry Seinfeld on the Conundrum of Failure as Success
“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” – Jerry Seinfeld
This is an interesting question from a funny comedian. Failure always seems to be a topic when it comes to tragic comedy, and the world’s news seems to thrive on it rather than look for positivity. In the ‘self-help’ book culture world, this poses an interesting question.
7. Lawrence Ferlinghetti Says Not to Be Too Open-Minded
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
It’s true; people can really be too open minded. Gullibility allows people to be easily duped and literally believe everything that they hear. It’s good to be cynical sometimes and to ask for proof if you have any doubt over the truth in a statement.
8. Rodney Dangerfield on Getting Info from Kids
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
This quote is a prime example of how honest and transparent children can be sometimes. Never trust a child with a secret, as they often allow things to slip out their mouths without thinking first. Sometimes this is for the best, but it can be dangerous.
9. Will Rogers on Being Wise and Quiet
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers
This is an excellent quote about how sometimes silence can be golden. People can often find themselves talking too much and divulging too much information which they can later regret. So if we ever feel like we’re boring somebody, perhaps we should just zip it.
10. Jim Cayrey Opines on Men and Women
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carey
This is a great take on the old quote, ‘Behind every great man is a great woman’. It’s true though, women can really help to keep men on the straight and narrow and help them to have better habits leading to a more productive life, with a hit of sarcasm mixed in for good measure.
11. Elbert Hubbard on Taking Life Less Seriously
“Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
Lots of people are guilty of taking life too seriously. Stressing over minor things, and getting worked up when they should just let things go. This can lead to lots of stress and can make people sick and ill. It’s good to remember to relax.
12. Jarod Kintz on the Best Quality of People
“You know what I like most about people? Pets.
” – Jarod Kintz
This is not the only quote about life that declares love for animals over people. Considering that they don’t judge or argue with you, it’s interesting to think about the reasons people buy pets in the first place. Essentially they are there to be waited on hand and foot.
13. Laurell K. Hamiltonn on Being Cautious Around Constant Smilers
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” – Laurell K. Hamilton
People often seem to be wary of people who seem overly friendly or happy all the time. It seems in today’s world people are not allowed to smile a lot without invoking a hint of suspicion in others. This being said, smiles are infectious.
14. Oliver Herford Thinks Women Change Their Mind a Lot
“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” – Oliver Herford
This quote is a cheeky dig at the indecisiveness associated with women in today’s society. It’s true… Women have been known to change their mind with a frequency that is unknown to men. But whether men have ‘cleaner’ minds is entirely up to you.
15. Oscar Wilde on Resisting Temptation
“I can resist everything exept temptation.” – Oscar Wilde
Temptation is all around us all the time. It comes in many different shapes and sizes, and it can be impossible to resist. Diets fail, ambitions fade, and bad habits can be formed and kept unless we keep up strong willpower.
16. Douglas Adams on How to Handle Deadlines
“I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams
We’ve all been guilty of procrastination leading to missing or extending deadlines. It seems a human trait to continuously put things off until ‘tomorrow’. At least we’re not alone and even bestselling authors like Douglas Adams are guilty too.
17. Winston S Churchilll on Drunkenness and Sobriety
“I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” – Winston S Churchill
Churchill certainly wasn’t afraid to say what he was thinking. To think that the leader of England across two ‘World Wars’ would say this to a woman is a little frightening. Perhaps it’s his sternness and honestly that helped him to win the war for Britain on two occasions.
18. William Goldman on Being Sold the Cure for Pain
“Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.” – William Goldman
Life can be a pain sometimes, but it’s definitely what you make of it. If people go through life with a negative attitude then they will surely attract negativity. However, those of us that are positive and proactive will reap the positive benefits of life.
19. Raheel Farooq on the Ugliness of Truth
“Ugly truths are the biggest source of indigestion in humans.” – Raheel Farooq
This is an interesting quote as the truth can often hurt us as human beings. Sometimes things are better left unsaid, harmful words can really hurt other people. It’s a fact that stress can physically manifest itself within the body!
20. Jack Handey on Getting Someone Else’s Perspective
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.” – Jack Handey
Walking a mile in anybody’s shoes could be difficult, imagine doing it in heels as a guy! On a serious note though, it’s too easy to judge a book by its cover and sometimes we must stop to consider the feelings of others before jumping to conclusions.
21. Phyllis Diller Says It’s Better to Fight Than Make Up
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller
It’s always nice to go to bed with a clear conscience and a calm mind. Therefore there is definitely logic behind this quote. It makes sense to get all of the shouting and bawling out of the way before you go off to sleep.
23. Groucho Marx on Man’s Best Friend
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
It sure would be impossible to read if you were living inside of a dog. But of course, you wouldn’t be. It’s interesting to think how amazing books are and how lost one can get in the world that somebody else has imagined and created. Dogs are also fantastic pets to have with their obedience and affection.
24. Robert A Heinlein Compares Men and Women to Dogs and Cats
“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” – Robert A Heinlein
This a great quote… Women and cats do certainly share character traits in terms of their fierce independence and indifference when it comes to being told what to do. Men and dogs will have to sit back and relax because it’s unlikely that the habits of a lifetime will change.
25. Terry Pratchett on the Danger of Keeping an Open Mind
“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett
Terry Pratchett was a great author and a fantastic thinker with a great imagination. People in today’s world will often try and pass off their opinions to you and make you believe things that are fabricated or exaggerated. It’s sensible to keep an open mind but close it at the right times.
26. Charles Bukowski on the Joy of Going Crazy
“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” – Charles Bukowski
Bukowski was well known for his habitual alcoholism and his fierce writing style and criticism. It seems he lived his life in a whirlwind and did things exactly how he wanted to, despite the consequences. Some may say that he was a little crazy himself.
27. George Carlin on Talking to Himself
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin
George Carlin was one of the most successful and outspoken comedians in U.S history. He was strongly opinionated and often came across as rude and crass. This quote is probably a true reflection of his mind set in terms of listening to others.
28. Markus Herz Says It’s Dangerous to Read Health Books
“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.” – Markus Herz
There seems to be a book for every type of human ailment these days. Constant reading of this type of literature can make people end up creating problems that they don’t really have in the first place. This is a very clever quote that sums up societies obsession with illness.
29. Thomas Stephen Szasz Shares How to Make a Good Excuse
“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.” – Thomas Stephen Szasz
People often find themselves covering up one lie with another lie until eventually they become stuck. It’s much better to tell the truth from the outset sometimes and deal with the consequences before they spiral into something more severe.
30. W C Fields on How Long to Try
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” – W C Fields
Some unwise words here from W.C Fields! Although if you consider it, sometimes it may be better to throw the towel in on a task if it is incredibly tedious and time consuming with very little to gain as an outcome of completing it. However, perseverance is a fantastic trait to have and can help to conquer many things in life.
31. Woody Allen Believes Sex is the Answer
“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.” – Woody Allen
Woody Allen is famous for writing movies around sexual relationships between men and women. He is undoubtedly obsessed with sex and relationships as he has clearly spent his entire life studying and writing about both of these topics. Sex can be the answer to many of life’s questions though.
32. Albert Einstein Says Human Stupidity is Infinite
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” – Albert Einstein
Einstein was an incredibly smart man. He must have felt an air of superiority when he saw the blatant acts of selfishness and stupidity that humans make on a daily basis. He was so smart that he probably saw stupidity in things that we would consider normal.
( Read this next: 55 Most Famous Quotes About Life )