Love it or loathe it, Christmas is guaranteed to come around every single year, and whichever side of the fence you fall on, injecting a little humor into the proceedings will make all the hard work, cooking, shopping, wrapping, and stressing totally worth it.
It’s written into our DNA that we go overboard during the Holidays, and seeing other people’s ‘perfect’ festivities on social media can add another layer of anxiety to an already fraught time. Take a step back, grab a drink, and check out the following Christmas quotes that will show you that this special season isn’t always the most wonderful time of the year.
Full of sarcasm, witticisms, and tongue-in-cheek humor, these Christmas quotes will lift your spirits in a show of solidarity with others who perhaps don’t share in the magic of this wondrous season. From terrible cracker jokes to the acerbic musings of the late, great Joan Rivers, these quotes will help you to get through the Holidays with a little bit of sanity still intact.
For more holiday cheer, make sure to check out these grinch quotes and these elf quotes.
Holiday Quotes
“There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.” – Robert Staughton Lynd
“You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.” – Kate Summers
“Thank you, stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.” – Jimmy Fallon
“How can you not love eggnog? You’re basically getting wasted on ice cream.” – Bill Maher
“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” – Andy Borowitz
“Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Unknown
“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” – Anthony Jeselnik
“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” – Bob Phillips
“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” – Melanie White
“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Unknown
“I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.” – Charlotte Christmas
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.’” – Bernard Manning
“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” – Tom Sims
“Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.” – Unknown
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers
“All I want for Christmas is for my family to stop trying to talk to me while I’m trying to tweet.” – Robin Wood on Twitter
“Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allan
“At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” – Robert Godden
“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.” – Anonymous
“My mother-in-law has come around to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” – Leslie “Les” Dawson, Jr.
“Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – Dennis Miller
“I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.” – Unknown
“Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.” – Carol Nelson
“If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.” – Unknown
“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor
“Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” – Samantha Bee
“Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.” – Anonymous
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple
“People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” – Unknown
“One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” – Louis C.K.
“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” – Don Marquis
“Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope
“There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” – Conan O’Brien
“Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.” – Unknown
“How do you know when Santa’s in the room? You can sense his presents.” – Unknown
“Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, bought practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and there would be peace on earth!” – Anonymous
“Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.” – Larry Wilde
“More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.” – Linda Sunshine
“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” – Robert Paul
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” – Unknown
“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman
“I grew up on a Christmas tree farm so this is a good season for me. I was too young to help with the hauling of the trees up the hills and putting them onto cars. So, it was my job to pull the praying mantis pods off of the Christmas trees.” – Taylor Swift
“Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.” – Charles M. Schultz
“One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” – Professor Dumbledore on
“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard
“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?” – Tom Armstrong
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” – Johnny Carson
“Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.” – Unknown
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – George Carlin
“I hate the radio this time of year because they play ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.” – Bridger Winegar
“I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” – Unknown
“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Unknown
“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” – Andy Rooney
“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson
“Once again, we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.” – Dave Berry
“Holiday lights should be festive while at the same time not encouraging aircraft to land.” – Charles Lake on Twitter
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