36 Best Christmas Quotes (2023)

Christmas Quotes

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.

“There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.” – Robert Staughton Lynd

You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.

“You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.” – Kate Summers

Thank you, stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.

“Thank you, stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.” – Jimmy Fallon

How can you not love eggnog? You’re basically getting wasted on ice cream.

“How can you not love eggnog? You’re basically getting wasted on ice cream.” – Bill Maher

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” – Andy Borowitz

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

“Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Unknown

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” – Anthony Jeselnik

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” – Bob Phillips

My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.

“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” – Melanie White

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Unknown

I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.

“I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.” – Charlotte Christmas

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.’

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.’” – Bernard Manning

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” – Tom Sims

Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.

“Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.” – Unknown

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers

All I want for Christmas is for my family to stop trying to talk to me while I’m trying to tweet.

“All I want for Christmas is for my family to stop trying to talk to me while I’m trying to tweet.” – Robin Wood on Twitter

Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.

“Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allan

At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.

“At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” – Robert Godden

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.” – Anonymous

My mother-in-law has come around to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.

“My mother-in-law has come around to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” – Leslie “Les” Dawson, Jr.

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

“Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – Dennis Miller

I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.

“I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.” – Unknown

Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.

“Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.” – Carol Nelson

If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.

“If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.” – Unknown

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor

Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.

“Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” – Samantha Bee

Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.

“Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.” – Anonymous

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

“People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” – Unknown

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

“One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” – Louis C.K.

What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.

“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” – Don Marquis

Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.

“Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?

“There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” – Conan O’Brien

Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.

“Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.” – Unknown

How do you know when Santa’s in the room? You can sense his presents.

“How do you know when Santa’s in the room? You can sense his presents.” – Unknown

Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, bought practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and there would be peace on earth!

“Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, bought practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and there would be peace on earth!” – Anonymous

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