70 Best Christmas Quotes (2023)

Christmas Quotes

Jump to Quotes

Love it or loathe it, Christmas is guaranteed to come around every single year, and whichever side of the fence you fall on, injecting a little humor into the proceedings will make all the hard work, cooking, shopping, wrapping, and stressing totally worth it.

It’s written into our DNA that we go overboard during the Holidays, and seeing other people’s ‘perfect’ festivities on social media can add another layer of anxiety to an already fraught time. Take a step back, grab a drink, and check out the following Christmas quotes that will show you that this special season isn’t always the most wonderful time of the year.

Full of sarcasm, witticisms, and tongue-in-cheek humor, these Christmas quotes will lift your spirits in a show of solidarity with others who perhaps don’t share in the magic of this wondrous season. From terrible cracker jokes to the acerbic musings of the late, great Joan Rivers, these quotes will help you to get through the Holidays with a little bit of sanity still intact.

For more holiday cheer, make sure to check out these grinch quotes and these elf quotes.

Christmas Quotes

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.

“There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.” – Robert Staughton Lynd

You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.

“You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.” – Kate Summers

Thank you, stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.

“Thank you, stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.” – Jimmy Fallon

You may also like: These hilarious quotes from the holiday classic Christmas Vacation movie: https://brightdrops.com/christmas-vacation-quotes

How can you not love eggnog? You’re basically getting wasted on ice cream.

“How can you not love eggnog? You’re basically getting wasted on ice cream.” – Bill Maher

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” – Andy Borowitz

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

“Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Unknown

Related: Happy Thanksgiving Quotes

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” – Anthony Jeselnik

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” – Bob Phillips

My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.

“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” – Melanie White

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Unknown

I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.

“I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.” – Charlotte Christmas

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.’

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.’” – Bernard Manning

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” – Tom Sims

Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.

“Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.” – Unknown

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers

All I want for Christmas is for my family to stop trying to talk to me while I’m trying to tweet.

“All I want for Christmas is for my family to stop trying to talk to me while I’m trying to tweet.” – Robin Wood on Twitter

Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.

“Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allan

At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.

“At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” – Robert Godden

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.” – Anonymous

My mother-in-law has come around to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.

“My mother-in-law has come around to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” – Leslie “Les” Dawson, Jr.

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

“Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – Dennis Miller

I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.

“I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.” – Unknown

Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.

“Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.” – Carol Nelson

If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.

“If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.” – Unknown

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor

Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.

“Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” – Samantha Bee

Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.

“Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.” – Anonymous

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

“People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” – Unknown

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

“One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” – Louis C.K.

What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.

“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” – Don Marquis

Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.

“Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?

“There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” – Conan O’Brien

Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.

“Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.” – Unknown

How do you know when Santa’s in the room? You can sense his presents.

“How do you know when Santa’s in the room? You can sense his presents.” – Unknown

Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, bought practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and there would be peace on earth!

“Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, bought practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and there would be peace on earth!” – Anonymous

Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.

“Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.” – Larry Wilde

More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.

“More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.” – Linda Sunshine

You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.

“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” – Robert Paul

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” – Unknown

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.

“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman

I grew up on a Christmas tree farm so this is a good season for me. I was too young to help with the hauling of the trees up the hills and putting them onto cars. So, it was my job to pull the praying mantis pods off of the Christmas trees.

“I grew up on a Christmas tree farm so this is a good season for me. I was too young to help with the hauling of the trees up the hills and putting them onto cars. So, it was my job to pull the praying mantis pods off of the Christmas trees.” – Taylor Swift

Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.

“Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.” – Charles M. Schultz

One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.

“One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” – Professor Dumbledore on

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard

Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?

“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?” – Tom Armstrong

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” – Johnny Carson

Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.

“Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” – Ellen DeGeneres

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.” – Unknown

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – George Carlin

I hate the radio this time of year because they play ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.

“I hate the radio this time of year because they play ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.” – Bridger Winegar

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace

“I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” – Unknown

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Unknown

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.

“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” – Andy Rooney

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson

Once again, we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.

“Once again, we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.” – Dave Berry

Holiday lights should be festive while at the same time not encouraging aircraft to land.

“Holiday lights should be festive while at the same time not encouraging aircraft to land.” – Charles Lake on Twitter

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.

“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” – Bridger Winegar

Christmas Shopping: Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn’t have to dust, that had to be used right away, that was practical, fit everyone, was personal and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in Gift certificate for a flu shot.

“Christmas Shopping: Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn’t have to dust, that had to be used right away, that was practical, fit everyone, was personal and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in Gift certificate for a flu shot.” – Erma Bombeck

Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? Rudeolph

“Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? Rudeolph” – Unknown

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” – Larry Wilde

I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” – Winston Spear

Santa Clause wears a red suit. He must be a communist. And long hair. He must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe he’s smoking?

“Santa Clause wears a red suit. He must be a communist. And long hair. He must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe he’s smoking?” – Arlo Guthrie

The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.

“The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.” – Julius Sharpe

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno

Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.

“Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.” – Stephen Jones

Ever wonder what people got Jesus Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh, great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins, right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?’

“Ever wonder what people got Jesus Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh, great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins, right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?’” – Jim Gaffigan

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

I’m releasing a holiday song called, All I Want for Christmas is my Parents’ Freaking Wifi Password.

“I’m releasing a holiday song called, All I Want for Christmas is my Parents’ Freaking Wifi Password.” – Damien Fahey on Twitter

I never get to see Santa Claus come down the chimney because I always get too tired and fall asleep from eating all his cookies while waiting for him.

“I never get to see Santa Claus come down the chimney because I always get too tired and fall asleep from eating all his cookies while waiting for him.” – Theodore W. Higginsworth

More Good Holiday Quotes:

  • 44 New Year Quotes for Inspiration That Lasts
  • 27 Short Easter Quotes for a Happy Holiday
  • 28 Spooky (And Funny) Halloween Quotes
  • 0 Comments

    Submit a Comment

    Leave a Reply

    Send this to a friend